Fear in 2020

I saved this image over a week ago. I hadn't seen the photo before then. I looked for it to say what I am saying now. It just took awhile to be able to do it. And I had to close the search early, as I had not looked for those photos before now. It seemed the right time, though.

I've known horror that defies words, though I've spent 13 years trying to explain it.

I will never be able to. Not ever.

I've known fear so deep, I can pause now, if I would be willing (and I am not), and I could almost feel the weight of it over my entire being. . . after what seems like a lifetime has passed me by.

A friend asked a fair question, for anyone who has lost a tremendous amount of life, how can a person handle what is happening now. . .when you can't bear to lose anything else.

And I have not a single answer for anyone else. . .

But for me, I will never be afraid before I am standing in front of a fire that tells me everything is lost.

I will never do it before such a moment. 

I will never live in fear. 

I will not be afraid for what is unlikely to happen. I will not live in fear even if what I do not want is likely. I will not grieve when I still have. I will not cry for what is not lost. I will not cower or worry or waste time with those I have because something may happen or even likely could happen.

We aren't promised anything. Not a single day. Odds are that some of us will not get all of the life we hope for, and odds are all of us will know someone who gets it cut short.

and still, I will not fear what has not clear come to me where I see no way out. Not ever.